How to Talk New Age

Copyright Mick Winter

A is for ACUPUNCTURE. ACUPUNCTURE is an ancient Chinese medical technique of healing people by sticking them with needles. Western doctors have recently discovered Acupuncture and find it similar to their more modern technique of sticking patients with large medical bills. Western doctors are now using Acupuncture to block the sensation of pain, while the Chinese use it to remove the causes of pain. Naturally such inscrutable Oriental purposes have no appeal to doctors or their accountants.

A is for AKASHIC RECORDS. The AKASHIC RECORDS are a great big VCR in the sky that records everything that ever happens, particularly about you. (Yes, even that time when you thought you were all alone in your room is there). The Akashic Records are sometimes confused with Santa Claus' files, which, of course, tell him if you've been "naughty or nice." They are not the same. With Santa's records, you at least stand a 50% chance of getting goodies. The Akashic Records are Cosmically Impartial - no prezzies.

A is for AURA. AURAS are fields of energy around our bodies which most of us can't see. All genuine New Age people believe in Auras, although few can see them. Auras have different colors. You can tell how highly evolved people are by the color of their auras. However, there are so many different theories about Auras that people are confused about which colors are better than others, which of course is very important to New Age People. Everybody does agree that having any color of Aura is better than having none at all. Here is the final definitive, scientific rating of Aura colors:

• White - Forget it. They're avoiding you. You wouldn't know one if it bit you.
• Violet - Very, very high. If you see someone with a violet aura, try to ingratiate yourself.
• Blue - Highly conscious, although somewhat pompous.
• Blue - Green - Semi-conscious. Fun at parties.
• Green - Reasonably conscious. Very healthy. Fond of plants.
• Yellow - Average. Some hope for evolution, although unlikely to be interested in it.
• Orange - Has moments of consciousness. Uninspired sexual partner.
• Red - Passionate and quick tempered, but not very b-r-i-g-h-t.
• Brown - Traditionally referred to as "robot-consciousness". Often successful in politics. California has produced two presidents like this.
• Black - Unpleasant at best. Avoid them.

B is for BARDO. BARDO is the Tibetan word for the place where we go after death and before rebirth (See REINCARNATION). Christians call this place Purgatory. It is a kind of Cosmic Waiting Room where souls hang out before their next assignment to a new physical body. Some people claim the Bardo is boring because there is nothing to do except be with yourself. Others say it is terrifying because there is nothing to do except be with yourself. They all agree it's not a lot of fun. The only cure is to get enlightened (See ENLIGHTENMENT) which evidently makes the Bardo easy to put up with. This, unfortunately, requires spiritual work in this lifetime, which is awfully inconvenient when there's so much good stuff on television. Of course all this weird, bizarre talk about the Bardo is probably total nonsense and we don't have to worry about it a bit. We hope.

B is for BERMUDA TRIANGLE. The BERMUDA TRIANGLE is a place in the Atlantic Ocean where things disappear a lot. Big things like boats and airplane squadrons. Little things like people. Some people think the Bermuda Triangle is where Atlantis used to be. They say an old Atlantean laser beam occasionally zaps things into oblivion. Others say it's an underwater UFO airport and that the UFO people like to collect visitors. Still others think it's a hole in reality that occasionally opens up so that things fall through into another universe. We have no idea what the Bermuda Triangle is, but then we're still trying to figure out the Patagonian Hexagon and the Wichita Square, and they're supposed to be simple.

C is for CHANNELING. CHANNELING is what Channels do. A Channel is a person who does channeling. Is that clear? Let's try again. Suppose someone is dead (or at least highly evolved and not in a body) and wants to talk to people who are still alive (or at least hanging out in a body). Okay, one more time. Suppose higher entities want to talk to us lower entities. They can't talk directly to most of us because our minds are too busy to listen. So they find someone whose mind isn't as active to act as a channel. This person channels information from the higher entity to us lower entities. Naturally the channel charges for this information, but that's only so the channel can continue to provide this valuable public service. Channeling is very popular these days. It seems the other dimensions are filled with entities with something to say. In fact, so many of us lower entities are becoming channels ourselves that soon we may all be channels. Everybody will talking and nobody will be listening. Guess that's what the New Age is all about.

C is for CHRISTIANS. CHRISTIANS are people who advocate the teachings of a man named Jesus Christ (See JESUS). Note: There are also people who actually follow these teachings as well, but nobody knows much about them. No one is quite sure if Christianity is "relevant" anymore. Many New Age People used to be Christians but moved on because they thought Christianity was too old-fashioned. For some reason older religions like Hinduism, Sufism, and Buddhism are considered more modern. They're certainly more fashionable.

C is for CRYSTALS. CRYSTALS are pretty rocks. They are considered to be better than other pretty rocks because they vibrate. Of course vibrators vibrate too. But they're used for different purposes. (Ouch. We hope so.) It used to be that you could buy pretty rocks like crystals for a few cents. Now they go for $10 and up. Way up. People use crystals to make contact with higher intelligences. People who pay that kind of money for rocks obviously need contact with higher intelligences.

D is for DRUGS. DRUGS are things which people put in their mouths, arms, or noses to feel different. People take them to wake up, go to sleep, liven up, calm down, see things, stop seeing things, feel better, or stop feeling at all. Others take them just to pass the time. Some Drugs are legal. They make lots of money for Tobacco and Liquor Companies. Other drugs are kind of legal. They make lots of money for Pharmaceutical Companies. Still other drugs aren't legal at all. They make lots of money for farmers, self-employed businessmen, politicians, bankers, and government and law enforcement agencies. No one knows if there will be Drugs in the New Age. We hope so. Otherwise, the New Age could be real tough to get through.

E is for ENLIGHTENMENT. ENLIGHTENMENT is what all Genuine New Age People are after. Nobody really knows what it is, but everyone agrees it must be better than being unenlightened, which is what we've got now. People believe that if you are Enlightened you will never have any problems again. You will have all the money and things you need (although you won't care about them) and you can spend the rest of your life (or lives) just grooving with Nature and God. (See separate listings). There are, admittedly, some Spiritual Teachers who claim that after you become Enlightened your work has only just begun. They have few followers.

F is for FIREWALKING. FIREWALKING is walking on hot coals in bare feet. Ouch! Yes, that's what we said. People pay to learn how to walk on hot coals so that they can learn to transcend the petty limitations of their beliefs. They believe that once they believe they can walk on hot coals they can believe anything. We believe that too.

G is for GLOBAL VILLAGE. In the New Age we will all live in a GLOBAL VILLAGE. This means that everybody will be connected with everybody else and that instead of having lots of little governments that nobody likes, we will have one big government which for some reason everybody is expected to like. When we have one big Global Village, everybody will be a Citizen of the World, and we won't need passports any more. According to some sources, a simple mark on the forehead will be sufficient.

G is for GOD. GOD is the One who started it all. Many people still carry a grudge about that. He is also the One who made all the rules. This upsets many people who would rather make their own rules. These people have decided that God doesn't exist. Fortunately for them, He hasn't done the same. Many New Age People want to find God, although they have a hard time explaining how they lost Him in the first place. According to most reports, God would not be easy to misplace. Perhaps people figure it's more fun to look for Him than to find Him.

G is for GURU. A GURU is a person who teaches you things. It has been said that everyone is your Guru. This of course implies that you are everyone else's Guru as well. Have you been shirking your responsibilities? You better get on with it. Being a Guru is a serious business. At least most of the better-known Gurus are serious about their business. Just ask their accountants.

H is for HEALTH FOOD. HEALTH FOOD is what all New Age People try to eat. Health Food makes them radiant, clear-eyed, mucus-free, and regular. All official Health Food is organic, which means the guy who sells it claims it has no dirty-old chemical and artificial things in it. Health Food usually costs a bundle. Eating Health Food gives a New Age Person such a healthy, sensitive body that it absolutely freaks out if it takes in something unhealthy. Considering our environment, would you really like to have a body like that?

I is for I CHING. The I CHING is a very old Chinese book. People throw coins and then read in the I Ching what their future will be and what they should do about it. This is considered to be much more profound than flipping a coin.

I is for INDIA. INDIA is where all Genuine New Age People go to find Truth. India has the Truth because it is a very spiritual country. People in India are so spiritual, that they even die spiritually. Millions of them every year.

K is for KARMA. KARMA is what happens when you do something. If you do something nice, you get nice back. If you do something wicked, you're up a creek. Of course you may not get it until another lifetime, at which time you'll probably have forgotten how it started and ask "Why me?" Karma is a Cosmic Law. That means you can ignore it all you want but there's no way you can get away from it. But keep on trying if you like. It passes the time.

K is for KUNDALINI. KUNDALINI is a serpent of energy curled up at the base of the spine, which rises when one meditates on it. When one gets really good at it, the Kundalini comes all the way up the spine, frazzles the brain, and leaps out the top. This is considered very desirable by people who practice Kundalini. Lots of people practicing Kundalini have been so successful that they are now living in nice, quiet places where they can be with others like themselves. (See LSD).

L is for LEVITATION. LEVITATION means defying the law of gravity and floating above the ground. There are now people who will teach you how to levitate. Apparently the method involves relieving yourself of certain unessential encumbrances (tens, twenties, fifties) thereby lightening your essential self. Levitation, incidentally, is how the Egyptians built their pyramids (See PYRAMIDS). People often wonder how they carried those big stones up the steps of half-finished pyramids. They didn't. They built them from the top down.

L is for LOVE. LOVE is what the New Age is all about. True New Age People love everyone. You can tell this because they smile very sweetly, speak in soft, gentle voices, radiate total acceptance, and forgive you immediately for all your faults. If you enjoy this sort of Pure Saintly Behavior you are a New Age Person and deserve to be around it. However, if Pure Saintly Behavior drives you up a wall, and your idea of Love is a little more lively than that, we suggest you look elsewhere for companionship. After all, there are still a few good years of pre-New Age left to enjoy.

M is for MAHARISHI. MAHARISHI is the nice man who is in charge of Transcendental Meditation (See TM). He loves flowers, perfume, incense, and little children. He is a very popular man who can often be seen on TV talk shows. Maharishi is almost like Mom and Apple Pie, and we think we better not say any more here before we check with our lawyers.

N is for NUMEROLOGY. NUMEROLOGY is the science of Numbers. No, it's not like Arithmetic. That is a different kind of science. Numerology is about the meaning of numbers. Each number from 1 to 9 has a special meaning. Your name has its own special number. If you add up all its letters (A=1, B=2, and so on), you'll get a number that tells you your life's path. If you don't like that particular path, you can change your name and get a new one that gives you a better path. You don't think Arnold Schwarzenegger was born with that name, do you?

O is for OM. OM is a New Age Word. In fact, it is a Very New Age Word. When someone chants Om, that person becomes One With The Universe. Because it is a very powerful word, you should not repeat Om more than 1728 times at one sitting. If you do, you might become so One With The Universe that you will never....ever....come...back. You've been warned.

P is for POWER SPOTS. POWER SPOTS are places on the planet that have extra special energy. New Age people are fascinated by Power Spots because New Age people think energy is, like, wow. Power Spots include places like Stonehenge, the Great Pyramid, Machu Picchu, Mt. Shasta, and Shirley MacLaine's birthplace. New Age People are convinced that Power Spots are directly connected with: 1) Ancient civilizations 2) Secret societies 3) Flying saucers, and 4) Planetary Chakras (See CHAKRAS). New Age People like to visit Power Spots because they consider them places for 1) Great Meditation 2) Great Sex 3) Great Shopping, and 4) Great Meditative Sex. Power Spots are not places like the White House, the Kremlin, Wall Street, Hollywood, and your neighborhood nuclear plant. New Age People consider those places to be low energy spots. What do you think? Which kinds of places do you think have the most power?

Q is for QUAKE. QUAKE is short for Earthquake, or as they say in California, "The Big One." When the Quake happens, California will go splash, a fairly noticeable sign that the New Age is on its way, with some minor inconveniences in between - like war, famine, pestilence, volcanic eruptions, and a shortage of good Chardonnay. As Californians all think they already live in the New Age, they don't exactly see the Quake as an improvement. But it sounds so exciting none of them want to miss it. It's unlikely many of them will.

R is for REINCARNATION. REINCARNATION means that after we die we come back in a new body for another lifetime, then we die, then we come back again and so on, over and over. All these bodies are human bodies. Some people think Reincarnation means coming back as an animal. That is called Transmigration and is very, very unusual. It will happen only if you Really Screw Up. As long as you don't commit the One Cardinal Sin, you'll be all right. (You're not committing it, are you?) Supposedly we keep reincarnating until we learn our lessons, whatever they may be. Since most of us are a little slow at catching on to things, we've been doing this for millions of years. This is called being on the Wheel of Karma. Some people think Reincarnation is a great excuse for waiting till the next lifetime to do anything. Others, who have gotten bored with the whole thing, figure they'd just as soon get off the Wheel of Karma now. They might not be in such a hurry if they knew what the next Wheel is like.

S is for SATAN. SATAN is also known as the Devil. He is an evil-looking fellow with horns, forked tail, and bad breath. Satan has been playing against God (See GOD) for a long time now, trying to take over control of the Universe. Of course God made up the game in the first place, so he's not too concerned about the outcome. The pieces God and Satan play with are called People. Many of these pieces enjoy telling each other that as soon as Satan loses, the New Age will begin. Oh yeah. Who are they trying to kid? As soon as anybody loses, the game is over. Then all the pieces go back in the box.

S is for SCIENTOLOGY. SCIENTOLOGY is........one moment, please. There is someone knocking at the door. We will be right back................................................ ...Here we are again. Sorry, but after talking to that very persuasive, very large person at the door we have decided that we will leave the subject of Scientology and find something else to talk about.

S is for SEX. SEX is...well, you probably already have a rough idea what sex is. Although New Age People think sex is more than you think it is. (See TANTRA). It is unclear if there will be any Sex in the New Age. Some people think we will transcend all that nasty physical stuff. Other people, who still think that nasty physical stuff is a lot of fun, hope it will just get better and aren't much interested in the New Age without it. Come to think of it, how long do you think the New Age would last without it?

S is for SHIRLEY MACLAINE. SHIRLEY MACLAINE is a New Age Person. Shirley discovered that there are other realities. In one of these realities she is a teacher who fills huge auditoriums with people willing to pay much money to learn how to become a New Age Person. In that same reality she also sells New Age Books, sells New Age TV programs, and is starting a center where she can sell New Age courses. Shirley thinks reality is pretty neat. At least the one she's in. Yours may be different.

T is for TANTRA. TANTRA is a special kind of sex (See SEX) which is done for spiritual reasons. It naturally appeals to Americans, who have all been brought up believing that Sex is dirty. With Tantra we can all screw ourselves to Higher Consciousness. God is good.

T is for THIRD EYE. The THIRD EYE is the one in the middle of your forehead which you might not have noticed yet, but which all New Age People want to open. They figure if they can see two dimensions with one eye, and three dimensions with two eyes, just imagine what they might see with three eyes! One supposed method of opening the Third Eye is by drilling a hole in the forehead. This has not been a popular technique. Another way is through meditation (See MEDITATION). Still another way is to say nice things to it and coax it open. Once you get your Third Eye open, we'll tell you about Cleaning the Third Ear.

W is for WHOLE EARTH. WHOLE EARTH means the entire planet on which we live. The symbol of the Whole Earth is a picture of the Earth taken from space. It shows a beautiful blue-green gem shining in the black void of space. Unfortunately that jewel in space is covered with a lot of people who believe in Part Earth. And they generally think their part is better than the other parts. Whole Earth People tend to think the whole thing is pretty nice. And that there's really no way to divide the thing into parts anyhow. Well, there is one way. But it's unlikely anybody would be able to put it back together again. We think Whole Earth is a pretty good idea.

Y is for YIN/YANG. YIN/YANG is an ancient Oriental concept. Because it is very ancient, it is automatically considered to be very profound by New Age People. There's nothing like ancient wisdom to impress the hell out of New Age People, and Yin/Yang is about as ancient as wisdom can get. Yin/Yang means that everything has its opposite within it. Every Yin has a little Yang inside, and every Yang contains a little Yin. What this means to New Age People is that everything that seems one way is really kind of the other way too. And that opposites aren't really opposed because in some way they're already like their opposition. Therefore, since nothing is really what it seems -- and generally more like what it doesn't seem -- there's not much sense in worrying about anything because it's not what we thought it was anyhow. Don't you find this ancient wisdom reassuring? We'll bet your life’s starting to feel enriched already.

Z is for ZEN. ZEN is everything. It is the indefinable made manifest. (Or is it the manifest made indefinable? Zen can be very confusing.) Anyway, in addition to being everything, Zen is also nothing. Therefore it is not necessary to do Zen. Nevertheless, there are special places called Zen monasteries where people do Zen, which of course they were already doing even when they weren't doing Zen.

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