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What I Didn't Know Until I Had Kids

  • How many seconds it takes to microwave 4 fish sticks perfectly.
  • Who John Jacob Jingle Heimershmitt is.
  • How to change a diaper in the dark, in a parked car, on a standing child and all of the above simultaneously.
  • Which lines of The Cat in the Hat and If I Ran the Circus can be skipped over without a child noticing.
  • How bright a 3 a.m. full moon is.
  • The design marvels of hooded towels, Velcro-strap shoes and mitten clips.
  • Locations of public restrooms all across town.
  • Why anyone would bother retracing their steps for miles just to retrieve a lost blankie.
  • That tigers live in the trees in our backyard.
  • The amazing technicolor variety of infant stool.
  • How to open a van door while bobbling 2 lunch boxes, two extra coats, a purse, a diaper bag and a baby.
  • The fine art of vacuuming a floor without hosing up a Barbie shoe or a Playmobil cannonball.
  • That solid white socks get lost in the dryer at a much slower rate than do the mates of patterned socks that coordinate to special outfits.
  • How little sleep a human body truly needs to function.
  • Almost every Disney lyric ever penned.
  • How to spell amoxicillin, let alone say it.
  • That one can never own too many sippy cup lids or refrigerator magnets.
  • Scientific names of dinosaurs from A to Z.
  • That reverse psychology really works.
  • The recipe for a homemade version of Play-doh.
  • That Duplo and Lego blocks procreate in the night.
  • The distinctive sounds of Cheerios crunching underfoot.
  • Why they call them Happy meals.
  • How far you can dilute juice and still retain it's taste.
  • That man (or child anyway) really can live on peanut butter alone.
  • That gender inequality starts early in clothing: Boy's underpants have a wide band on top, while the waistband and leg holes on girls look the same, increasing the odds that she'll pull 'em on tangles or upside down.
  • Sesame Street's air time.
  • That the more my kids learn, the less I seem to know.
  • The blessedness of naps, the inviolate importance of routines.
  • And the one I wanted to add ... How much you could love one human being!

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