If at first you don't succeed,
destroy all evidence that you tried.
A conclusion is the place where
you got tired of thinking.
Experience is something you don't
get until just after you need it.
For every action, there is an
equal and opposite criticism.
He who hesitates is probably
right.
Never do card tricks for the group
you play poker with.
No one is listening until you make
a mistake.
Success always occurs in private
and failure in full view.
The colder the X-ray table, the
more of your body is required on it.
The hardness of the butter is
proportional to the softness of the bread.
The severity of the itch is
proportional to the reach.
To steal ideas from one person is
plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
To succeed in politics, it is
often necessary to rise above your principles.
Two wrongs are only the beginning.
You never really learn to swear
until you learn to drive.
The problem with the gene pool is
that there is no lifeguard.
Monday is an awful way to spend
1/7th of your life.
The sooner you fall behind, the
more time you'll have to catch up.
A clear conscience is usually the
sign of a bad memory.
Change is inevitable....except
from vending machines.
Don't sweat petty things....or pet
sweaty things.
A fool and his money are soon
partying.
Money can't buy love. But it CAN
rent a very close imitation.
Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
Always try to be modest. And be
damn proud of it!
If you think nobody cares about
you, try missing a couple of payments.
How many of you believe in
telekinesis? Raise my hands....
I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Everybody repeat after
me....."We are all individuals."
Death to all fanatics!
Guests who kill talk show hosts ..
On the last Geraldo.
Love may be blind, but marriage is
a real eye-opener.
Hell hath no fury like the lawyer
of a woman scorned.
Hard work pays off in the future.
Laziness pays off now.
Eagles may soar, but weasels
aren't sucked into jet engines.
Borrow money from pessimists-they
don't expect it back.
Beware of geeks bearing gifts.
Half the people you know are below
average.
99 percent of lawyers give the
rest a bad name.
42.7 percent of all statistics are
made up on the spot.
A conscience is what hurts when
all your other parts feel so good.
If at first you don't succeed,
then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
