Great Excuses for Monday Morning
- If it is all the same to you, I won't be coming in to work. The voices
told me to clean all the guns today.
- When I got up this morning, I took two Ex-Lax in addition to my Prozac.I
can't get off the john, but I feel good about it.
- I set half the clocks in my house ahead an hour and the other half
back an hour Saturday, and spent 18 hours in some kind of space-time
continuum loop, reliving Sunday (right up until the explosion). I was
able to exit the loop only by reversing the polarity of the power source
exactly e*log(pi) clocks in the house while simultaneously rapping
my dog on the snout with a rolled up Times. Accordingly, I will be
in late, or early.
- My stigmata's acting up.
- I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my previous
boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. OK?
- I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile leprosy, but I know we have
that deadline to meet...
- I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at the Food Giant.
- Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder and,
hey, how about them Hoyas, huh? So, I won't be able to, yes, could
I help you? No, no, I'll be sticking with Sprint, but thank you for
- Constipation has made me a walking time bomb.
- I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn't
come to work knowing my employee records may now contain false information.
- The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even gave me
this jaw restraint so I won't bite things when I am startled.
- The dog ate my car keys. We're going to hitchhike to the vet.
- My mother-in-law has come back as one of the Undead and we must track
her to her coffin to drive a stake through her heart and give her eternal
peace. One day should do it.
- I am converting my calendar from Julian to Gregorian.
- I am extremely sensitive to a rise in the interest rates.
- I can't come to work today because the EPA has determined that my
house is completely surrounded by wetlands and I have to arrange for
- I prefer to remain an enigma.
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